Black Beard's (Corpus Christi-North Beach)

Walking into an establishment called Black Beards was probably my first mistake. I suppose I should not have expected a lot especially give its proximity to the Quality Inn “On the Beach,” a roach infested, stinking, whore hotel that I THOUGHT was the best option for my accommodations in Corpus Christi…

As you approach Black Beards, nothing seems out of line…But upon entering the front door things change immediately for the worst… The greeting I received (after 12 minutes standing at the counter) was in a word…worrisome, “you eating or just gonna look?” It asked. “Do you have a bar” I asked innocently? “It’s a beach what do you think? “ (IT) replied in turn. I stress (IT) as I am still uncertain as to the gender and/ or preference of the person assisting me at that time.

Upon sitting at the bar, I was greeted promptly by Dave the bartender who remains the Hero of this ordeal. He had good taste in music, made sure my drinks were cold and on time, and overall made the best of a whole new chapter of culinary suckery .

Food: I am not sure how to even begin describing the food in this place. I fear that Black Beards never got the memo not to buy Seafood from Louisiana. The oyster and shrimp dinner was as palatable as a plate full of deep fried road kill marinated in mixture of rotten cheese and dog vomit. The first oyster made me wretch in my mouth, and the shrimp had the texture of a truck tire. I could literally taste the smell (yes TASTE the SMELL) of this rancid meal as it rounded the kitchen door 400 yards away. The only part of the meal that was digestible by a human being was the house salad with ranch dressing… of course…how does one screw that up?
Redeeming this meal was impossible, but I have to say…The Margaritas made my head spin, and did a fine job of healing my palate from the treachery that was the Oyster and Shrimp Platter.

Overall: Stay the hell away from this place, unless of course you enjoy throwing up in your mouth, and the very real threat of infection by a flesh eating virus from the sanitary conditions in this place. I am not even going to rate this on the “Something Scale.” I can’t stomach the thought of tarnishing the system.

Happy Eating!

The Woodshed (Hopkinsville, KY)

Ambiance: So it’s in a double wide trailer in the middle of nowhere, and directly across the street from a mining facility. This is not the Ritz Carlton on their best day. I was not certain as to whether the waitresses were going to bring my food, or if they were going to attach the plate to the ENORMUS flies and allow them to deliver it. The “you ain’t from around here” look as I walked through the door was much like a scene from deliverance, though there was no banjo or sodomy…. This was a plus. Retrospectively I would bought a pair of overalls and a “chaw” to fit in with the crowd. If you eliminate the prehistoric flies, the “hill billery,” and the silver toothed coughing and cussing grill master there would a larger degree of comfort; however, I think it would destroy the essence of this down home country experience.

Service: The waitresses are very nice and very helpful, and seemed to have worked there for quite a long time. There were terms of affection lobbed in my direction such as, hun, darling, sweetie, etc. Of course this seemed to be a par performance as all others within my earshot had the same names. My food was delivered within 12 seconds of my ordering it, which either speaks volumes to their efficiency, or the age of the dinner I ate.

Food: The Pork BBQ was a delightful treat, smothered in a vinegar BBQ sauce with three sides. I was especially impressed with the flavor, and the texture of the meat. While the meat its self melted away there was crispy outer skin to allow the taste buds to wrangle a new sensation. Juicy, and perfect the pork stole the show…at first.

Burgoo: I have no idea what the hell this, but if they deliver truck of it to my home I will gladly and eagerly devour every drop. This side is best described as soup? The ingredients of vegetables, black eyed peas, and pork, somehow meld to deliver a punch in the throat. The tantalizing sweet sour and salty flavor is truly something one must experience to believe… It was breathtaking.

Drinks: “We aint got liquor…don’t believe in it.” Yes actual quote….

Overall: The kind nature of the ownership and their staff combined with incredible prices and the magnificent “burgoo” makes this one a must if you are ever in Hopkinsville, KY. The meal you see before you was 6 bucks…. The food and the service make all the difference, even faced with flies, strange looks, and a tuberculosis ridden toothless chef. I give the Woodshed the highest rating so far of a 5 on the something scale.

Happy Eating My Friends!

Fox and The Hound (Lone Tree, CO)

I know, I know....I am not on the road, and I am talking about a national chain...If you dont like it shut up, I will beat you like a narc at a biker rally....

The medium heat wings at Fox N the Hound are truley a marvel of pub grub... Juicy, spicy and sweet, these delectitble morsels slid down my throat like a roller coaster of taste sensation. I dont want to say that the wings "hurt my feelings," but I will say that I grossly underestimated the gorgeousness of a good wing sauce combined with ranch... Whomever the Head Chef is at Fox n The Hound..Bravo.

Service: I am still convinced that no one in the United Stated recognizes the fact that tips = commission..Otherwise my drinks would have shown up with greater regularity....and without any prodding.

drinks: its a bar.. you do the math.

Overall: I give the F-N-H a 3 on the something scale..The beer is cold the wings are tangy and delicious.... the service kinda blows...

Bottoms Up Friends.

The Beach House (Laguna Beach, CA)

Speaking from strictly on the grounds of aesthetics, the view is breath taking. You can literally see for miles out to sea, and hear the waves crashing on the shoreline. The laughter of family’s on the beach enjoying the sunlight, and the sounds of birds chirping make this one off the most scenic places, and lovley places I have eaten at in a very long time..

Service: Well…. I would say the young lady charged with our service was less than attentive. It seemed almost as if I was a stranger sitting in her living room saying, "get me a beer and a sandwich and make it snappy woman!" She carried a demeanor that was about as exciting as Ben Stien in a calculus contest, and payed as close attention to our needs as Mr. Magoo would have. I am not saying I need a TGI Fridays experience everytime I eat, but a simple hello would you like a drink would have done nicely.


Food: The Jamaican Jerk Mahi Tacos are essentially, three pieces of fish salted braised, and put in a flour tortilla, not the most impressive of presentations. I will say that whatever sauce is used to season this meal is a tangy taste adventure, but overall...Eh.

Side of poison: Since my trip to the beach house I have been experiencing some “gastronomical anomalies,” that are less than enjoyable. I can imagine that if I wished to repeat said “anomalies,” that I should make a habit of drinking Tijuana tap water mixed with Turpentine and a shot of Antifreeze. Perhaps this is the sauce mixture?

Drinks: The corona was cold, and that is very good.

Overall: I was pleased in general to have an opportunity to spend time with my sister Laura, and enjoy the California coastline for an hour. The company was the best part of the meal. I would rate the “Culinary” experience a 1 on the something scale, as I the service was less than fair, and I may have to have my entire intestinal tract removed.

Earl Campbells Sports Bar and Grill (Austin Texas)

Ran into the gem at the Austin Bergstrom Airport.

Service: Rarely have I seen an organization that treated me so poorly... The young lady at counter could well be described as Mrs. Lovett from the Movie Sweeny Todd... Not because she is attractive as Helen Bonham Carter, but because her demeanor was such that I felt she would rather "serve human," than serve humans... Rude would not adequatley describe this pit viper of a person.... That said see food.

Food: The BBQ Brisket Tacos are the perfect cure for a MIND BOGGLING hang over. Greasy, salty, and covered in a light dew of texas bbq sauce. Ad the flavor of mayonaise cole slaw on top of the fresh tortillas and you have a combination yielding some of the best pub grub I have ever had.

Alchohol: Decent selection of beer and a full bar...Nothing to write home about.

Overall: If you have time to spare, and enjoy good beer, good food, and being served by people who would rather chop you up into a salad stop here...

If I was to give this a rating, I would say it is a 2 "something." Rating system to come....

Introduction

I have often wished that i could be an Anthony Bourdain, and write like a shakespear inspired food critic, but....Well I cant. This blog will be wraught with grammer problems, spelling errors and some faul language,. Take or leave it; its my blog.

I hope that everyone will participate and review thier favorites from home and the road.

Consider this blog a service to the business travler with a love of food and new experiences.

Ciao