Cattlemens Steak House

Cattlemen’s Steak House is by the very frame work of the word a landmark. Having been in business for over 100 years operating both as a steak house and butcher shop their knowledge of steak is legendary.

The sign in front looks as though it belongs to a strip club and frankly the exterior décor would not lead you to believe much different. It is dank and darkly lit and sits in a part of Oklahoma City known as ‘Stock Yard Town.” As is customary to my experience I am alone and walking into the unknown; this time a steak house known best (recently) for serving our last president his favorite steak in Oklahoma. You could say that I was a touch out of my element.

Striking my eyes in this barrage of old world “cowboydom” was the bright red booths worn carpet and diner feel that embodies most every Denny’s I have ever frequented. It is at best a rundown family restaurant by the look of it, and I am already dreading what may come.

I was greeted by a creature who looks as if Barbara Streisand and Mothra mated and lead to the diner bar for my meal. I was then greeted by the second largest person I have ever laid eyes on… Clearly Oklahoma is not focused on fitness as both of the ladies I encountered outweighed my wife’s Hummer, AND by themselves AND handily.

As ambience is now clear lets focus on the food and drink.

Wine List: Extensive…I was impressed……
Merlot California
Shiraz Australia
White Zinfandel (Yes its on there)
Cabernet California

Food:

I was feeling like a connoisseur of all things bizarre having watched Andrew Zimmer for a bit in a slumber; I ordered the “Lamb Fries.” Sheep testicles are apparently a delicacy in Ok City and I was proud to join the ranks of those who had devoured them… They taste like chicken with the consistency of shrimp…They taste like nothing…and I mean NOTHING.

The steak hailed by our former president as one of his favorite on earth was in short over rated, and over cooked. It had the consistency of a IHOP breakfast steak. I have eaten better meals at Outback Steak House on a bad day. This unidentifiable cut of meat was possibly the most boring flavorless thing I have ever put in my mouth… The only thing that gave it any flavor was the Au Jous smothering it.

For the sake of time let me summarize. The waitresses should be consultants as to how one might get “marbling” into their cattle, as they are clearly subject matter experts. The food was boring and made no impression at all. The red wine (served chilled) was hilariously sad. The ambience was that of a truck stop in Nowheresville. The only redeeming qualities were the landmark status and the pleasant service. Do not bother.

Given Adam Richman of Man Vs. Food said this place was great as well makes me think that he is a mediocre hack who ought to hang out with Anthony Bourdain for as to learn about good food. I suppose it’s no wonder this man eats 1100 pound burgers for a living…

Something Scale:
This place is a joke I give it a 2.
Cheers

Black Beard's (Corpus Christi-North Beach)

Walking into an establishment called Black Beards was probably my first mistake. I suppose I should not have expected a lot especially give its proximity to the Quality Inn “On the Beach,” a roach infested, stinking, whore hotel that I THOUGHT was the best option for my accommodations in Corpus Christi…

As you approach Black Beards, nothing seems out of line…But upon entering the front door things change immediately for the worst… The greeting I received (after 12 minutes standing at the counter) was in a word…worrisome, “you eating or just gonna look?” It asked. “Do you have a bar” I asked innocently? “It’s a beach what do you think? “ (IT) replied in turn. I stress (IT) as I am still uncertain as to the gender and/ or preference of the person assisting me at that time.

Upon sitting at the bar, I was greeted promptly by Dave the bartender who remains the Hero of this ordeal. He had good taste in music, made sure my drinks were cold and on time, and overall made the best of a whole new chapter of culinary suckery .

Food: I am not sure how to even begin describing the food in this place. I fear that Black Beards never got the memo not to buy Seafood from Louisiana. The oyster and shrimp dinner was as palatable as a plate full of deep fried road kill marinated in mixture of rotten cheese and dog vomit. The first oyster made me wretch in my mouth, and the shrimp had the texture of a truck tire. I could literally taste the smell (yes TASTE the SMELL) of this rancid meal as it rounded the kitchen door 400 yards away. The only part of the meal that was digestible by a human being was the house salad with ranch dressing… of course…how does one screw that up?
Redeeming this meal was impossible, but I have to say…The Margaritas made my head spin, and did a fine job of healing my palate from the treachery that was the Oyster and Shrimp Platter.

Overall: Stay the hell away from this place, unless of course you enjoy throwing up in your mouth, and the very real threat of infection by a flesh eating virus from the sanitary conditions in this place. I am not even going to rate this on the “Something Scale.” I can’t stomach the thought of tarnishing the system.

Happy Eating!